Memo From Hastert

SPEAKER DENNIS HASTERT DISPATCHES EMERGENCY MEMO TO CLARIFY COMMON CONGRESSIONAL TERMINOLOGY FOR HOUSE PAGES

n lieu of recent events, it is imperative that all pages be clear on their respective Representative's intent when communicating by e-mail, instant message or via traditional verbal form. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for inexperienced and highly-expendable teenagers to misinterpret the sometimes ambiguous codes and complex shorthand used by Congressmen since the time of our great forefathers.

Below you will find a list of commonly misunderstood phrases, accompanied by their literal meanings. Please commit these translations to memory, as any alternate interpretations from this point forward will be considered a mistake on the part of the page and may result in disciplinary action up to and including premature termination and/or spanking.

Message: "R U hard?"
Translation: Be sure to get a receipt for the stamped mailings you sent to members of the League of Women Voters.

e.t.c...,

A must Read. And Don't forget if you are a page and want to report inappropriate behavior towards you by a congressman please call:

1-800-i-am-aformer-or-current-page-who-would-like-to-talk-about-
a-congressmen-approaching-me-for-or-having-sex-with-them-so-
pick-me-up-for-rendition-and-whisk-me-away-to-a-cia-secret-
prison-where-odly-enough-i-will-be-most-likely-sodmized-until-confess-
to-being-a-member-of-democratic-talybun